After stoping into a post New years brunch I bumped into Mr. George Carlin and he seemed very jolly. So I asked him if he had made some new years resolutions. He replied, "Kiddo if you can do anything this year with all your crazy ideas, try to solve some of these issues or at least talk to people about them so a percentage of them realize they are morrons!" He continujed to explain that if I did just that , not only would he had met his resolution to make the world a better place but he would have a diciple as well.
So he gave me the list of RULES for 2007 that I hould consider and here are the one I can remember. HAPPY NEW YEAR 2007!
New Rule about REUNIONS: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule about FAST FOOD: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule about TEACHER MOLESTATION: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a retard. When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. When you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule about STYLISH EYEBROWS: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule about FLAVORED WATER: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule about IMPROVED PILL CONTAINERS: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule about CUSTOM COFFEE: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule about DEBIT MACHINES: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, selecting 'Debit,' entering my PIN, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who's supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule about WOMEN w/ CHINESE TATOOS: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule about COMPETITIVE EATING as a SPORT: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rules about IMPROVED M&M's: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule about MAKING MOVIES FROM TV SHOWS: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule about GIFT REGISTRIES: No more gift registries. It used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
